Mindsets that can keep you from breaking up with your old life
I've had the privilege of connecting with hundreds of people going through some life transition -- who want to re-invent a life that fits for them. There is always a trigger - a kid off to college, a big birthday, a layoff, or finally reaching the limits of their current life. Maybe the life that was thrilling in their 20’s doesn’t click today. They can't put the finger on it, but they have changed, and their life doesn't fit them anymore.
They reach the point where they need to break up with their old life.
I imagine the conversation like a college breakup. "Life, it's me. We need to talk." "This just isn't working for me. I've changed. I know you'll find someone who appreciates you, and you two will be happy together."
Realizing you need to break up with your current reality is the first step. Once you've committed to change, be on the lookout for a few behaviors that hold you back and trip you up.
THREE MINDSETS THAT CAN KEEP YOU FROM BREAKING UP WITH YOUR OLD LIFE
There are three tendencies or mindsets I see again and again with adults looking for a life change. Maybe you can see yourself in one or more of these.
TENDENCY 1 - I WON'T BUDGE UNLESS IT'S A “SURE THING.”
One woman, I’ll call her Lisa, didn’t want to make a change unless it was a guaranteed sure thing. Lisa wanted complete certainty of the outcome before taking a single step. Maybe you know a Lisa. She tries on dozens of different eyeglass frames, taking photos of herself in each one, then leaves the store because she needs more time to consider her options and make sure she’s sure. She often uses spreadsheets and algorithms to make decisions. For this persona, decisions happen in the head, but not the heart.
Offset the tendency….
The thing people most regret is the chances they didn't take in life. To offset your fear, ask yourself, what would you do if you knew you'd succeed? It takes the risk out of the equation and gives you a safe space to dream.
TENDENCY 2 - I’M ALL OVER THE MAP
One woman from my Life Design class mapped out twelve different lives for herself, ranging from fashion designer to corporate consultant. But when it came to prototyping or picking even the smallest experiment to move to action, she froze.
All over the map people have a million different ideas but feel trapped when asked to choose and pursue one of them. In innovation language, we call them divergent thinkers. They want to keep options open and, often, never stop generating new ideas. This person runs the risk of living in a perfect, hypothetical future without ever experiencing any of their options. Get moving and live out your ideas. Experience is a powerful learning tool.
Offset the tendency….
Get yourself from "what if" to "what's next" by living each idea for just one hour. Spend one hour with a fashion designer, a consultant, a non-profit executive director. If you must test all twelve ideas, do it. Then take stock of how each experience felt. Which hour flew by? Which one dragged? Think of it as an interview for your next life. Will this fit with what I like and want for my next chapter? Use this information to take real action toward one of your favorite ideas.
TENDENCY 3 - ON THE WRONG ROAD AND DRIVING FAST
I get to know a lot of female lawyers in my classes. For better or worse, the law is one field that can "look good but feel bad." Many lawyers loved their three years as law students, but not the 30 years of being an actual lawyer.
The “wrong road and driving fast” tendency suffers from status quo bias. Our lawyer wants to keep everything as is - because they regard any change as a loss. They've invested too much in their career to change now. And they are miserable.
Offset the tendency….
Radically accept where you are now. Yes, you made a series of choices to get to this place. AND you're choosing to remain unhappy in your current life. Do you want to be grappling with these same questions in 5-10-20 years?
Redefine success. Success is so heavily influenced by culture. Culture influenced you in a certain way in your 20's. But now, in your 40’s or 50’s, success has very different meaning. Write down what success meant to your 20-something self and what it means to you today. Time to choose, and, yes, there will be tradeoffs.
I wonder which of these tendencies resonates with you? Are there other mindsets you have seen in yourself or others facing a big pivotal moment in life?
